Hey y’all so I know we have been slacking and I take full blame and I apologize, a lot has been going on, if y’all haven’t checked out the mommy blog yet I have moved states with my daughter because of some issues that I won’t talk about here but you can check it out under Mommy Blog. We are working on things, her dad and I, because I love him and I want us to be a family. We just need time apart to figure out certain things, we both need to improve on our parts to better our relationship.
I have needed to work on a lot of things, just haven’t taken the time:
Lashing out when angry or hurt
Interrupting people when they are talking to me
Jumping to assumptions
My trust issues
Facing my past
Now I know I am not perfect, hints why I am admitting, I lash out when I am angry or feeling a deep raw emotion like pain. I feel like I am being attacked and so I lash out, anything to change the way I feel, any way to make me feel protected so people can’t get past my wall that I have built so that they can’t get to my heart, where so many scars already lie due to the fact that I have trusted the wrong people and it has violently backfired.
I lash out to protect myself and I know it is wrong so I am going to be working on it because it’s not fair to anyone.
I also have a hard time holding my tongue when it is not my turn to talk because when I am fueled by my emotions it is hard to keep quiet. In the moment I need to blurt out what I am thinking, or feeling, because when I am feeling such strong emotions my brain is running a mile a minute, and if I wait, I feel like I will forget that exact thought, and I always feel like what I think is extremely important.
I need to realize that not every thought I have needs to be shared, that if I expect not to be cut off that I need to be respectful and do the same. That is going to take a bit of time to master because I do it all the time.
Another problem I have is when my anxiety or depression kicks in I always start jumping to crazy assumptions which has put a damper on my relationship as well.
It is hard to deal with anxiety and depression but just because I am facing those things doesn’t mean people are out to hurt me, or that I need to bring them down with me because in the end it doesn’t make either of us feel any better.
When he doesn’t answer me for a long period of time I need to stop always assuming the worst.
Is he sick of me? Is he cheating on me?
I need to trust him. I need to learn how to accept that not everybody is like past experiences with trusting people. That he isn’t like everybody from my past because he isn’t.
One main problem I have is realizing that not everybody are my parents, meaning that not everybody is going to give up on me like they did.
It’s really hard and it has put a lot of damage on my relationship. There is just so much I never dealt with that has affected my relationship to this day and that is something I sadly have to live with but I am working towards turning around.
My father was the first man to ever break my heart and he was the one that was supposed to always be there to pick up the pieces, not be the reason they fell apart to begin with.
I trusted my parents when I went to them about my struggles, about my secrets, about my pain, thinking they would pull me close and tell me everything would be okay, instead they pushed me away. It was like I was standing on the edge of the cliff and they came and pushed me off. I fell down into a darkness that has claimed me for way too long.
It’s time for me to realize that I don’t need them.
It’s time for me to realize that my daughters father is not my parents and that he won’t go anywhere when my mental issues bring me down, that when I am standing on the cliff he will pull me into his arms every single time.
I write this as I listen to a playlist I play when I am deep in my feelings. This isn’t easy this isn’t fun and it hurts like hell.
If any of you are going through deep life struggles know that we will gladly listen to you vent no matter what it is, fellow kRazy kAtz we are here for you.
Keep it real...till next time.
-Eliza